Here is a strange and perplexing element to life. A friend and I were talking about how the perception of a relationship changes as you age and mature. I speak for myself when I say that in middle school up to high school, the factors that determined whether or not I would become a girl’s boyfriend were slim. I was never a ladies man, due to my awkwardness, inability to hold a proper conversation, and low self-esteem, so when a woman would show interest, that shit was like seeing Halley’s Comet. However, that meant that whenever I entered into one, I was in it for the long haul. Til’ death do us part. If she liked me, then, boom, that was a check off the list. If I found her attractive then, boom, that was another check off the list. If I found her to have a sound mind and to be a good person, boom. Oh, also, if we had similar interests, then that was a plus as well :P
I’m sure there were other factors that went into the decision of making such a commitment, but I just came from work, and conjuring up that type of superfluous shit makes my brain hurt, so fuck that. What I never took into account, however, was that over time, people change; whether it be me or my spouse. At the beginning of the relationship you can try to ignore not being able to see eye to eye on certain things. You can try to show them why certain things entertain you or try to explain what matters to you, but the bottom line is that, people don’t change for the sake of another person. Life has to directly affect that person in such a way that it penetrates them. Over time, this indifference does come to surface in the form of losing communication and everyone knows that communication is key. Once, communication is lost, the flame is out. Thus, the anguish, sadness, etc. rears it’s ugly head, again.
In every relationship that I’ve been in, the end has been the same. The woman that I once loved leaves me and finds a more suitable male to court. Even though I notice things turning sour, I still try to make it work because I just can’t bring myself to break up with someone. I care too much to hurt them and as a result, I end up being the dump-ee because eventually, something has to give. It’s just easier that way, I guess. What all these relationships have taught me, however, is that I have to be more self-reliant and for lack of a better term, picky. The pain is just too much to bear sometimes, and I only have myself and my optimism to blame. At the age that I’m at, it’s easy to say “fuck bitches, make money”, but truth be told, if another woman ever were to find me and have interest in me, I might give it another shot; cause when it’s good, it’s fan-fucking-tastic. I believe that pursuing a career and being in a relationship can work. It’s all a balancing act. Maybe, I’m not putting in enough work than I actually think I am, but I’m young and still have a lot to learn. Just have to have a more thorough screening process and the time.
It’s been awhile since I’ve written anything, and put it up publicly, so excuse the incoherence, grammar, whateverthefuck. I’ve never been able to successfully put down a full thought down on paper, but everyone seems to be in post-relationship mourning or something that is relatable to the subject, so I just wanted to put in my two cents, no matter how incomplete it is. I hope that in talking about myself, you know that you’re not alone and that we’re all still searching for answers. Just gotta go with the flow and enjoy good company.
Good therapy, this was.